Sara DobsonIs having an emotional affair cheating?
August 10th 2008 07:20
“Beep beep,” went my mobile phone. I smiled that would be Jim (not his real name) texting me to see if I was all right.
“Who is that?” asked my husband.
“Uh just Sarah, she wants to know if I fancy going shopping along Oxford Street with her tomorrow.
Why did I lie? I was not sleeping with him; I had never even kissed him. Maybe I wanted to. All I know is that I was very excited about going to work on Monday and seeing him again.
When I was with husband number one, I was very unhappy, and very lonely. He was so into his computer games and internet porn he never paid any attention to me at all, I felt extremely unattractive. Not that I am trying to make excuses for myself, I am just saying I was vulnerable. I worked with an extremely attractive man who clearly fancied me. We used to have lunch together, and talk about anything and everything. I am not sure when the relationship actually crossed the line.
Did I sleep with him? No, not until I finally left my husband. What I was having was an emotional affair.
Did it work out with the emotional affair and me? No the whole thing was built on a lie. When I left my husband I did not move in or even date the emotional affair, it just fizzled away. Would the marriage have worked out if I had not met Jim? No, I was unhappy long before he came along.
Hindsight is a fine thing and I can confidently say now that I should have left the relationship sooner or not even got married.
On one level, Jim gave me the confidence in my own desirability, but on another level, the whole affair left me feeling like a bad person, destroying my confidence on a different level. My advice to anyone contemplating or thinking they may in danger of having an affair of any kind is, for your own sake as well as your partners, don't do it. Admittedly if anyone had given me that advice I wouldn't have listened.
What are the signs you are having or in danger of having an emotional affair? Here are the warning signs.
• You begin to feel attracted to your “friend” and wonder what it would be like to kiss or touch them. You may admit your attraction to each other but complain that you cannot act on it because you (or they) are in a relationship.
• You start relay hurtful and intimate details of your relationship with your friend.
• You long to be with your friend more than you partner. Even when you are with your partner, you are looking forward to the time you can spend with your friend.
• When your friend meets someone new, or goes on a date, you feel jealous and hope that it will not work out.
• Your spouse does not know about your friendship, and you know you cannot talk about your friend with them.
There are all sorts of debates about whether kissing someone else is to be considered cheating or not, but how about the emotional affair. Is it cheating when you are confiding in someone of the opposite sex when you or the other person is in a relationship?
“Who is that?” asked my husband.
“Uh just Sarah, she wants to know if I fancy going shopping along Oxford Street with her tomorrow.
Why did I lie? I was not sleeping with him; I had never even kissed him. Maybe I wanted to. All I know is that I was very excited about going to work on Monday and seeing him again.
When I was with husband number one, I was very unhappy, and very lonely. He was so into his computer games and internet porn he never paid any attention to me at all, I felt extremely unattractive. Not that I am trying to make excuses for myself, I am just saying I was vulnerable. I worked with an extremely attractive man who clearly fancied me. We used to have lunch together, and talk about anything and everything. I am not sure when the relationship actually crossed the line.
Did I sleep with him? No, not until I finally left my husband. What I was having was an emotional affair.
Did it work out with the emotional affair and me? No the whole thing was built on a lie. When I left my husband I did not move in or even date the emotional affair, it just fizzled away. Would the marriage have worked out if I had not met Jim? No, I was unhappy long before he came along.
Hindsight is a fine thing and I can confidently say now that I should have left the relationship sooner or not even got married.
On one level, Jim gave me the confidence in my own desirability, but on another level, the whole affair left me feeling like a bad person, destroying my confidence on a different level. My advice to anyone contemplating or thinking they may in danger of having an affair of any kind is, for your own sake as well as your partners, don't do it. Admittedly if anyone had given me that advice I wouldn't have listened.
What are the signs you are having or in danger of having an emotional affair? Here are the warning signs.
• You begin to feel attracted to your “friend” and wonder what it would be like to kiss or touch them. You may admit your attraction to each other but complain that you cannot act on it because you (or they) are in a relationship.
• You start relay hurtful and intimate details of your relationship with your friend.
• You long to be with your friend more than you partner. Even when you are with your partner, you are looking forward to the time you can spend with your friend.
• When your friend meets someone new, or goes on a date, you feel jealous and hope that it will not work out.
• Your spouse does not know about your friendship, and you know you cannot talk about your friend with them.
There are all sorts of debates about whether kissing someone else is to be considered cheating or not, but how about the emotional affair. Is it cheating when you are confiding in someone of the opposite sex when you or the other person is in a relationship?
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Comment by katyzzz
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Comment by Waysouth
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Comment by Cibbuano
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... an emotional affair is cheating, I guess, because you feel the need to lie about it.
I would say, though, that it's partially justified, since your husband didn't make you feel loved. That's his role, I think. If he's going to treat you like that, it seems natural that you'd crave that from someone else.
Comment by Carmen
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It's a symptom of a problem obviously, and the problem is going to end up being dealt with sooner or later. So I think with hindsight, you'd know that the minute a Jim type person pops up in your life, it's time to address the problems in your marriage.
Interesting topic
Comment by katyzzz
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It's up to you, but cheating is not the answer and maybe your husband has complaints about YOU.
Comment by Sara Dobson
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I have no doubts my husband had problems with me too otherwise why would he need to be playing computer games or looking at internet porn at 3am. Question, is prefering internet porn over your wife cheating? We were young and naive. Of course I should have left and I would have responded exactly like you did until I had been through it. I am not justifying my actions just saying things aren't always black and white.
Waysouth,
You are right if you are lying to your partner you are cheating and I think it is the lying that made me feel guilty.
Cib,
Thanks for your response. You are right it is up to each partner to make the other feel special. I guess it takes maturity to see that and neither of us were mature.
Comment by katyzzz
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At least you're honest, big PLUS for that one.
Comment by Lara M
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I get what you mean though regarding it's emotional but it could so *easily* cross the line to physical. A friend once said that her emotional affair helped make her marriage better. I think it's a danger zone...
Comment by Sara Dobson
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We all learn as we get older what works and what doesn't and that the grass isn't always greener. Unfortunately you only learn from experience.
Katyzz
Thanks
Lara
Sometimes just knowing your partner is confiding in someone else can break your heart. And too right it can easily cross over. Especially when you think "this person gets me"
Comment by Jim Stillman
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and my response:
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Comment by D. Armenta
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The responses were pretty interesting..very informative comments.
Comment by D. Armenta
The Florida Keys and Everglades
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By the way, Jim's comment is a must-read....
Comment by Sara Dobson
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Thats a good article it is interesting to see how men and women deal with these things differently.
Well done D clearly it is an issue that causes a bit of a debate!
Sara
Comment by Mr Nice Guy
Pop Culturist
"If you have to ask - then yes it is".
I tend to think that anyone who asks is really only looking for affirmation from others that what they genuinely think in their heart/head is not just guilt but something else.
I say - leave it alone - the grass may look greener on the other side of the fence - but sometimes (just sometimes) there lurks landmines that you just can't see.
Cheers