bruce potterLove - Should it be planned or left to chance?
January 15th 2009 04:55
We spend so much time carefully planning our life. What we want to do for a career, what educational path we want to take, and how we will spend our hard-earned money. Yet one thing we do not plan, is how we are going to find our future partner.
Why is this? Dr Epstien from the University of California, who recently spoke Psychologies magazine, thinks the problem lies with fairy tales. We expect to meet someone or “The One” fall madly in love, and that is it for life, we all live happily ever after. It’s like we are not interested if we don’t immediately feel that instant bolt of energy. In reality though, if you think you are in love with someone straight away you are probably in love with an idealised version of them, or its probably good old fashioned lust.
The problem with this kind of love is that it can all fall apart when the person violates our image of them. For example, if they cheat or put on weight then we can’t be bothered putting the effort into maintaining the relationship. If we mistake lust for love, then the relationship suffers if our partner’s sex drive diminishes.
So how does Dr Epstien feel we should approach love? He feels there are many people around us with whom we can create a lasting love, if we make the effort to do so. All we need to find someone who we share common values with, and feel some level of attraction to, (well we meet many people who fit that category). Then it is just a matter of learning to love one another by:
It seems a bit cold and calculating to me. I really like the idea of serendipity, of passion and fireworks. However, I have had so many relationships that have been all about the fireworks and chemistry, and every time I was convinced they were the one, only for it all to fizzle within months. It is nice to know that love is much deeper and less judgemental of our faults.
Why is this? Dr Epstien from the University of California, who recently spoke Psychologies magazine, thinks the problem lies with fairy tales. We expect to meet someone or “The One” fall madly in love, and that is it for life, we all live happily ever after. It’s like we are not interested if we don’t immediately feel that instant bolt of energy. In reality though, if you think you are in love with someone straight away you are probably in love with an idealised version of them, or its probably good old fashioned lust.
The problem with this kind of love is that it can all fall apart when the person violates our image of them. For example, if they cheat or put on weight then we can’t be bothered putting the effort into maintaining the relationship. If we mistake lust for love, then the relationship suffers if our partner’s sex drive diminishes.
So how does Dr Epstien feel we should approach love? He feels there are many people around us with whom we can create a lasting love, if we make the effort to do so. All we need to find someone who we share common values with, and feel some level of attraction to, (well we meet many people who fit that category). Then it is just a matter of learning to love one another by:
“Making a strong commitment to do so”
“Agreeing not to date others while exploring the relationship and
Engaging in “activities that promote love such as reading about love, to develop openness toward each other.”
“Agreeing not to date others while exploring the relationship and
Engaging in “activities that promote love such as reading about love, to develop openness toward each other.”
It seems a bit cold and calculating to me. I really like the idea of serendipity, of passion and fireworks. However, I have had so many relationships that have been all about the fireworks and chemistry, and every time I was convinced they were the one, only for it all to fizzle within months. It is nice to know that love is much deeper and less judgemental of our faults.
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