Sara DobsonIf you caught your friend cheating would you tell their partner?
September 6th 2008 06:44
Several years back a friend of me confided that she had met up with an old flame and one thing led to another.... and well they had an affair.
I knew her boyfriend, although not very well, he is always very nice and very hospitable towards me, and I felt bad for him. I never did tell him though.
I spent many hours talking to my friend about it. The thing is, she was in love with Mr Affair, but it was clear to me that Mr Affair who had just finished a long-term relationship, was not ready for anything serious. If Mr Affair had given her an inkling of a possible future, she would have ditched her current boyfriend, and run straight into his arms. He never did give her an inkling of a possible future, and he moved on, leaving my friend heartbroken.
Things are not always cut and dry, as I know, after having and emotional affair myself. Even though I spent many hours talking to her, and telling her that the affair would only end in heartbreak for her, never mind anyone else, she would not listen. Well you know what it is like, you cannot tell people anything, they have to just play it out, and all you can do is be there for them.
That was several years ago she is still with the boyfriend and no one is the wiser. Would it have been better to tell him? Maybe he would want to know, but the fact that he never found out saved him from a whole lot of suffering.
My ex husband never found out about my dalliance and that is probably for the best. Our relationship was over anyway, at least this way he left with a bit of pride, rather than having his confidence completely knocked.
My friend was torn up and emotional over the whole thing, and I felt that it was not the up to me to stir it up anymore. Also, it was clear she still had feelings for her current partner.
If the situation was different and someone I knew was just shagging around for the sake of it, and disrespecting their partner then maybe I would say something.
Is it best to tell their partner? Affairs are messy things and chances are you if you tell your friend’s partner about an infidelity, you may lose the friendship of both parties.
If it was the other way around and I caught my friend’s partner somewhere he should be, in a compromising position with someone else, I feel I would owe to my friend to tell them, but there is still a risk of losing your friend especially if she decides to forgive her boyfriend and feels you disapprove.
Cheating of any kind is hurtful, so if you know your friend is cheating, would you tell their partner? Or would you confront the cheater and tell them to sort it out?
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Comment by Lara M
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I wonder though if I might think differently if my friend was the one being cheated on...
p/s...what a coincidence both of us decided to discuss this topic on our blogs -- albeit from different angles
Comment by Sara Dobson
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If some one was cheating on my friend I agree I would think about telling, them. I suppose my friend found out my friend was cheating I would want them to tell me.
Comment by Lara M
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So...what makes it any different -if the cheater was our friend- allegiance?
Comment by Sara Dobson
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f it was someone we don't know too well we just see a player with no morals.
Comment by Lara M
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The human psyche is so fascinating just as it is a *mystery*...
Comment by alt_ed
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I guess, if I were the child, and caught one of my parents cheating i'd be more inclined to tell.
Interesting point here though...
Comment by Cheryl J
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If I thought someone had had a one night stand, was SAFE, and feeling guilty and was never likely to do it again I would probably shut up rather than destroy an otherwise good relationship because someone had shown bad judgement.
If I found out someone was having an affair, I would be more inclined to tell but it depends on where I fit into the relationship. If it was my friend doing the cheating I'm not sure I could tell on them, if it was my friend being cheated on though I would risk losing their friendship and tell them. Why risk? Because the bearer of bad news is often the one that is hated.
When you are good friends of both parties it is very touchy ground. When I was much younger I found out that one of my friends had cheated on their partner who was an even closer friend. I confronted him, told him I knew and gave him 24 hours to 'fess up before I told her myself. He did, and although it was rough for a while they worked it out. They are no longer together though not for this reason but I felt I did the right thing.
Each circumstance can bring a different answer.
Comment by spain01
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Comment by Lilla
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My daughters friend was placed in exactly this situation and asked me for advice... I couldn;t decide then adn I can't now. . . as you say, things are not always cut and dry... however, I will have to say that I am a true believer in the addage that "when in doubt, leave it out" and on this basis would probably not mention anything for lack of being able to make up my own mind?
It is a tricky, sticky one to be sure...
Lilla ...
Comment by Erin Stapleton
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firm, but fair.
Comment by Morgan Bell
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in general i have a "dont ask, dont tell" policy . . . it is unlikely i would be a witness to the physical act of cheating so there is nothing to tell, however if a friend lied to their partner about their whereabouts (ie saying they were at my house) i wouldnt cover for them and just say i didnt know where they were
Comment by alt_ed
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Thanks for your support Morgan! lol
Comment by Cibbuano
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She basically got away with something, consequence-free. What if they get married? Could you go to the wedding, listening to the groom make a speech about how he always knew that she'd be 'by his side' or something equivalent?
Comment by Dianna G
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Comment by Sara Dobson
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A good point
"
I certainly wouldn't ask anyone else to cover for me it is unfair. I wouldn't do it for any one else either.
Cheryl
I agree there is no point in breaking up a perfectly good relationship over a silly mistake.
Erin
Approaching the cheater about it is probably enough to scare them into ending the affair or ending their relationship.
Lilla
When in doubt leave it out is probably the best apporach if your friend is the cheater. If my friends partner was the cheater though I am not sure that I could do that.
Cib
I am not sure she did get away with it consequence free. She had about a year of strees and anxiety while this guy used her, then didn't call, then phoned out of the blue again. As well as being racked with guilt and uncertaintly. Not only that, she was friends with her affair guy for about 15 years before that and she lost that friendship to.
You are right about the wedding though, but they have lived together for 6 years which in my opinion is the same anyway.
I think I would want to know as I would feel humilated if I found out everybody except me knew. I wouldn't want to look at any of them again in case they all pitied me.
Dianna
I agree with you I think if they have serious feelings for the affair I would tell them to end it with their partner. I am not sure I would be able to tell myself.
Bill that is unrfathomable! Although I have heard of men that like to watch their wives have sex with other men.
Weird
Comment by Sara Dobson
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If I was great friends with both of them, then god help me!